Boswell’s Life of Johnson: 261

Edited by Dan Leo, Associate Professor of 18th British Conversational Studies, Olney Community College; author of Bozzie and Dr. Sam: The Case of the Tedious Country Magistrate, the Olney Community College Press.

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On Wednesday, June 19, Dr. Johnson and I returned to London; he was not well to-day, and said very little, employing himself chiefly in reading Euripides. He expressed some displeasure at me, for not observing sufficiently the various objects upon the road.  'If I had your eyes, Sir, (said he) I should count the passengers.'  It was wonderful how accurate his observation of visual objects was, notwithstanding his imperfect eyesight, owing to a habit of attention. That he was much satisfied with the respect paid to him at Dr. Adams's is thus attested by himself:  'I returned last night from Oxford, after a fortnight's abode with Dr. Adams, who treated me as well as I could expect or wish; and he that contents a sick man, a man whom it is impossible to please, has surely done his part well.' After his return to London from this excursion, I saw him frequently, but have few memorandums: I shall therefore here insert some particulars which I collected at various times. It having been mentioned to Dr. Johnson that a gentleman who had a son whom he imagined to have an extreme degree of timidity, resolved to send him to a publick school, that he might acquire confidence;— 'Sir, (said Johnson,) this is a preposterous expedient for removing his infirmity; such a disposition should be cultivated in the shade. Placing him at a publick school is forcing an owl upon day.' Speaking of a gentleman {quite possibly Joshua Reynolds – Editor} whose house was much frequented by low company;  'Rags, Sir, (said he,) will always make their appearance where they have a right to do it.' Of the same gentleman's mode of living, he said,  'Sir, the servants, instead of doing what they are bid, stand round the table in idle clusters, gaping upon the guests; and seem as unfit to attend a company, as to steer a man of war.' A dull country magistrate gave Johnson a long tedious account of his exercising his criminal jurisdiction, the result of which was his having sentenced four convicts to transportation. Johnson, in an agony of impatience to get rid of such a companion, exclaimed, 'I heartily wish, Sir, that I were a fifth.' Johnson was present when a tragedy was read, in which there occurred this line:—          'Who rules o'er freemen should himself be free.'  The company having admired it much,  'I cannot agree with you (said Johnson:) It might as well be said,— “Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat.”' Johnson having argued for some time with a pertinacious gentleman; his opponent, who had talked in a very puzzling manner, happened to say, 'I don't understand you, Sir:' upon which Johnson observed,  'Sir, I have found you an argument; but I am not obliged to find you an understanding.' He disapproved of Lord Hailes, for having modernised the language of the ever-memorable John Hales of Eton, in an edition which his Lordship published of that writer's works.  'An authour's language, Sir, (said he,) is a characteristical part of his composition, and is also characteristical of the age in which he writes. Besides, Sir, when the language is changed we are not sure that the sense is the same. No, Sir; I am sorry Lord Hailes has done this.' Here it may be observed, that his frequent use of the expression, No, Sir, was not always to intimate contradiction; for he would say so, when he was about to enforce an affirmative proposition which had not been denied, as in the instance last mentioned. I used to consider it as a kind of flag of defiance; as if he had said, 'Any argument you may offer against this, is not just. No, Sir, it is not.' Sir Joshua Reynolds having said that he took the altitude of a man's taste by his stories and his wit, and of his understanding by the remarks which he repeated; being always sure that he must be a weak man who quotes common things with an emphasis as if they were oracles; Johnson agreed with him; and Sir Joshua having also observed that the real character of a man was found out by his amusements,— Johnson added,  'Yes, Sir; no man is a hypocrite in his pleasures.' I have mentioned Johnson's general aversion to a pun. He once, however, endured one of mine. When we were talking of a numerous company in which he had distinguished himself highly, I said, 'Sir, you were a COD surrounded by smelts. Is not this enough for you? at a time too when you were not fishing for a compliment?'  He laughed at this with a complacent approbation.  Old Mr. Sheridan observed, upon my mentioning it to him, 'He liked your compliment so well, he was willing to take it with pun sauce.'  For my own part, I think no innocent species of wit or pleasantry should be suppressed; and that a good pun may be admitted among the smaller excellencies of lively conversation. (classix comix™ is brought to you by Bob’s Bowery Bar, refusing yet the blandishments of developers anxious to turn this historic landmark into a Children’s Gap or a Bed, Bath & Beyond: “Looking for something fun to do on a Monday night? Why not swing by Bob’s Bowery Bar – located conveniently to public transportation at Bleecker and the Bowery – where all summer long I shall be master of ceremonies for the live television broadcast of the Dumont Network’s ‘The Bowery’s Got Talent’, with our house band Tony Winston & his Winstonians. Showtime is 8pm to 9pm, but get there early for a good seat. Be sure to vote for your favorite among our eager and talented contestants, and stick around afterwards for Tony’s usual late-night jam session!” – Horace P. Sternwall, your host and narrator of Bob’s Bowery Bar Presents Philip Morris Commander’s “Blanche Weinberg, Lady Psychiatrist”, broadcast live 8pm Sundays {EST} exclusively on the Dumont Television Network. This week’s presentation: “The Admirable Admiral”, by Hogarth P. Stumbleworth, starring Kitty Carlisle as “Dr. Blanche”, with special guest star Alastair Sim.)  part 262

Boswell’s Life of Johnson: 260

Edited by Dan Leo, Assistant Professor of 18th Portuguese Epic Poetry, Olney Community College; author of Bozzie and Dr. Sam: The Case of the Boring Voyage to the South Seas, the Olney Community College Press.

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On Monday, June 14, and Tuesday, 15, Dr. Johnson and I dined, on one of them, I forget which, with Mr. Mickle, translator of the Lusiad {Portuguese epic poem written by Luís Vaz de Camões – Editor}, at Wheatley, a very pretty country place a few miles from Oxford; and on the other with Dr. Wetherell, Master of University-College. From Dr. Wetherell's he went to visit Mr. Sackville Parker, the bookseller; and when he returned to us, gave the following account of his visit, saying,  'I have been to see my old friend, Sack. Parker; I find he has married his maid; he has done right. She had lived with him many years in great confidence, and they had mingled minds; I do not think he could have found any wife that would have made him so happy. The woman was very attentive and civil to me; she pressed me to fix a day for dining with them, and to say what I liked, and she would be sure to get it for me. Poor Sack! He is very ill, indeed. We parted as never to meet again. It has quite broke me down.'  This pathetic narrative was strangely diversified with the grave and earnest defence of a man's having married his maid. I could not but feel it as in some degree ludicrous. In the morning of Tuesday, June 15, while we sat at Dr. Adams's, we talked of a printed letter from the Reverend Herbert Croft, to a young gentleman who had been his pupil, in which he advised him to read to the end of whatever books he should begin to read.  JOHNSON. 'This is surely a strange advice; you may as well resolve that whatever men you happen to get acquainted with, you are to keep to them for life. A book may be good for nothing; or there may be only one thing in it worth knowing; are we to read it all through? These Voyages, (pointing to the three large volumes of Voyages to the South Sea {by the Captains Cook and King – Editor}, which were just come out) who will read them through? A man had better work his way before the mast, than read them through; they will be eaten by rats and mice, before they are read through. There can be little entertainment in such books; one set of Savages is like another.'  BOSWELL. 'I do not think the people of Otaheité {Tahiti – Editor} can be reckoned Savages.'  JOHNSON. 'Don't cant in defence of Savages.'  BOSWELL. 'They have the art of navigation.'  JOHNSON. 'A dog or a cat can swim.'  BOSWELL. 'They carve very ingeniously.'  JOHNSON. 'A cat can scratch, and a child with a nail can scratch.'  I perceived this was none of the mollia tempora fandi {times favorable to speaking}; so desisted. Upon his mentioning that when he came to College he wrote his first exercise twice over; but never did so afterwards;  MISS ADAMS. 'I suppose, Sir, you could not make them better?'  JOHNSON. 'Yes, Madam, to be sure, I could make them better. Thought is better than no thought.'  MISS ADAMS. 'Do you think, Sir, you could make your Ramblers better?'  JOHNSON. 'Certainly I could.'  BOSWELL. 'I'll lay a bet, Sir, you cannot.'  JOHNSON. 'But I will, Sir, if I choose. I shall make the best of them you shall pick out, better.'  BOSWELL. 'But you may add to them. I will not allow of that.'  JOHNSON. 'Nay, Sir, there are three ways of making them better;— putting out,— adding,— or correcting.' During our visit at Oxford, the following conversation passed between him and me on the subject of my trying my fortune at the English bar: Having asked whether a very extensive acquaintance in London, which was very valuable, and of great advantage to a man at large, might not be prejudicial to a lawyer, by preventing him from giving sufficient attention to his business;—  JOHNSON. 'Sir, you will attend to business, as business lays hold of you. When not actually employed, you may see your friends as much as you do now. You may dine at a Club every day, and sup with one of the members every night; and you may be as much at publick places as one who has seen them all would wish to be. But you must take care to attend constantly in Westminster-Hall; both to mind your business, as it is almost all learnt there, (for nobody reads now;) and to shew that you want to have business. And you must not be too often seen at publick places, that competitors may not have it to say, 'He is always at the Playhouse or at Ranelagh, and never to be found at his chambers.' And, Sir, there must be a kind of solemnity in the manner of a professional man. I have nothing particular to say to you on the subject. All this I should say to any one; I should have said it to Lord Thurlow twenty years ago.' The PROFESSION may probably think this representation of what is required in a Barrister who would hope for success, to be by much too indulgent; but certain it is, that as          'The wits of Charles found easier ways to fame,' some of the lawyers of this age who have risen high, have by no means thought it absolutely necessary to submit to that long and painful course of study which a Plowden, a Coke, and a Hale considered as requisite. My respected friend, Mr. Langton, has shewn me in the hand-writing of his grandfather, a curious account of a conversation which he had with Lord Chief Justice Hale, in which that great man tells him, 'That for two years after he came to the inn of court, he studied sixteen hours a day; however (his Lordship added) that by this intense application he almost brought himself to his grave, though he were of a very strong constitution, and after reduced himself to eight hours; but that he would not advise any body to so much; that he thought six hours a day, with attention and constancy, was sufficient; that a man must use his body as he would his horse, and his stomach; not tire him at once, but rise with an appetite.' (classix comix™ is brought to you by Bob’s Bowery Bar, still resisting the encroachments of gentrification at the northwest corner of Bleecker and the Bowery: “I should like to remind our local audience as well as visitors to our fair metropolis that every Wednesday night at Bob’s Bowery Bar is half-price pizza night! From 6pm to 3am all of our brick-oven pizzas will be only half of their already laughably low usual price! Be creative and choose from a variety of toppings including such classic favorites as pepperoni and anchovies as well as more exotic choices like broccoli rabe, gorgonzola and sun-dried tomatoes. All pizzas made from scratch using Bob’s Mom’s homemade pizza sauce and mozzarella made daily. For a mere fifty cents extra, try the Horace Special: a large pie ‘with everything’, served extra crispy!” – Horace P. Sternwall, your host and narrator of Bob’s Bowery Bar Presents Philip Morris Commander’s “Blanche Weinberg, Lady Psychiatrist”, broadcast live 8pm Sundays {EST} exclusively on the Dumont Television Network. This week’s play: “The Ill-Humored Good Humor Man”, by Hank Pete Stokes, starring Kitty Carlisle as “Dr. Blanche”, with special guest star Red Skelton.)   part 261

Boswell’s Life of Johnson: 259

Edited by Dan Leo, LL.D., Associate Professor of 18th Century British Ethical Studies, Olney Community College; author of Bozzie and Dr. Sam: The Case of the Casuistical Child, the Olney Community College Press.

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From the subject of death we passed to discourse of life, whether it was upon the whole more happy or miserable. Johnson was decidedly for the balance of misery: in confirmation of which I maintained, that no man would choose to lead over again the life which he had experienced. Johnson acceded to that opinion in the strongest terms. This is an inquiry often made; and its being a subject of disquisition is a proof that much misery presses upon human feelings; for those who are conscious of a felicity of existence, would never hesitate to accept of a repetition of it. I have met with very few who would. I have heard Mr. Burke make use of a very ingenious and plausible argument on this subject;— 'Every man (said he) would lead his life over again; for, every man is willing to go on and take an addition to his life, which, as he grows older, he has no reason to think will be better, or even so good as what has preceded.'  I imagine, however, the truth is, that there is a deceitful hope that the next part of life will be free from the pains, and anxieties, and sorrows, which we have already felt. We are for wise purposes 'Condemn'd to Hope's delusive mine;' as Johnson finely says; and I may also quote the celebrated lines of Dryden, equally philosophical and poetical:— 'When I consider life, 'tis all a cheat,            Yet fool'd with hope, men favour the deceit:            Trust on, and think to-morrow will repay;            To-morrow's falser than the former day;            Lies worse; and while it says we shall be blest            With some new joys, cuts off what we possest.            Strange cozenage! none would live past years again; Yet all hope pleasure in what yet remain;            And from the dregs of life think to receive,            What the first sprightly running could not give.' It was observed to Dr. Johnson, that it seemed strange that he, who has so often delighted his company by his lively and brilliant conversation, should say he was miserable.  i JOHNSON. 'Alas! it is all outside; I may be cracking my joke, and cursing the sun. Sun, how I hate thy beams!'  I knew not well what to think of this declaration; whether to hold it as a genuine picture of his mind, or as the effect of his persuading himself contrary to fact, that the position which he had assumed as to human unhappiness, was true. We may apply to him a sentence in Mr. Greville's Maxims, Characters, and Reflections; a book which is entitled to much more praise than it has received:  'ARISTARCHUS is charming: how full of knowledge, of sense, of sentiment. You get him with difficulty to your supper; and after having delighted every body and himself for a few hours, he is obliged to return home;— he is finishing his treatise, to prove that unhappiness is the portion of man.' On Sunday, June 13, our philosopher was calm at breakfast. There was something exceedingly pleasing in our leading a College life, without restraint, and with superiour elegance, in consequence of our living in the Master's house, and having the company of ladies.  Mrs. Kennicot related, in his presence, a lively saying of Dr. Johnson to Miss Hannah More, who had expressed a wonder that the poet who had written Paradise Lost should write such poor Sonnets:— 'Milton, Madam, was a genius that could cut a Colossus from a rock; but could not carve heads upon cherry-stones.' We talked of the casuistical question, Whether it was allowable at any time to depart from Truth?  JOHNSON. 'The general rule is, that Truth should never be violated, because it is of the utmost importance to the comfort of life, that we should have a full security by mutual faith; and occasional inconveniences should be willingly suffered that we may preserve it. There must, however, be some exceptions. If, for instance, a murderer should ask you which way a man is gone, you may tell him what is not true, because you are under a previous obligation not to betray a man to a murderer.'  BOSWELL. 'Supposing the person who wrote Junius were asked whether he was the authour, might he deny it?'  {Junius was the nom de plume of the unknown author of a series of letters on political matters published between 1769 and 1772 in the London newspaper The Public Advertiser. – Editor} JOHNSON. 'I don't know what to say to this. If you were sure that he wrote Junius, would you, if he denied it, think as well of him afterwards?  Yet it may be urged, that what a man has no right to ask, you may refuse to communicate; and there is no other effectual mode of preserving a secret and an important secret, the discovery of which may be very hurtful to you, but a flat denial; for if you are silent, or hesitate, or evade, it will be held equivalent to a confession. But stay, Sir; here is another case. Supposing the authour had told me confidentially that he had written Junius, and I were asked if he had, I should hold myself at liberty to deny it, as being under a previous promise, express or implied, to conceal it. Now what I ought to do for the authour, may I not do for myself? But I deny the lawfulness of telling a lie to a sick man for fear of alarming him. You have no business with consequences; you are to tell the truth. Besides, you are not sure what effect your telling him that he is in danger may have. It may bring his distemper to a crisis, and that may cure him. Of all lying, I have the greatest abhorrence of this, because I believe it has been frequently practised on myself.' I cannot help thinking that there is much weight in the opinion of those who have held, that Truth, as an eternal and immutable principle, ought, upon no account whatever, to be violated, from supposed previous or superiour obligations, of which every man being to judge for himself, there is great danger that we too often, from partial motives, persuade ourselves that they exist; and probably whatever extraordinary instances may sometimes occur, where some evil may be prevented by violating this noble principle, it would be found that human happiness would, upon the whole, be more perfect were Truth universally preserved. (classix comix™ is made possible in part through the assistance of the Bob’s Bowery Bar Foundation for Impoverished but Deserving Artists and Writers: “Now that baseball season is in full swing, fans will be glad to hear that the trusty old Philco 23-inch TV at Bob’s Bowery Bar has finally been fixed, so, be you a Yankees or Giants or Dodgers fan, come on down to Bleecker and the Bowery and watch your favorite team over a delicious and nutritious imperial pint of Bob’s justly celebrated basement-brewed house bock. And don’t forget: hot dogs are half-price during all baseball games, with your choice of toppings including sauerkraut, caramelized onions, ‘hellfire chili beans’, and Cheez Whiz.” – Horace P. Sternwall, host and narrator of Bob’s Bowery Bar Presents Philip Morris Commander’s “Blanche Weinberg, Lady Psychiatrist”, broadcast live 8pm Sundays {EST} exclusively on the Dumont Television Network. This week’s presentation: “A Nut House Is Not a Home”, by Herbie P. Shuffleworth, starring Kitty Carlisle as “Dr. Blanche”, with returning special guest stars Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.)    part 260

Boswell’s Life of Johnson: 258

Edited by Dan Leo, Assistant Professor of 18th Century British Alchemical Studies, Olney Community College; author of Bozzie and Dr. Sam: The Case of the Really Big Sleep, the Olney Community College Press.

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We were well entertained and very happy at Dr. Nowell's, where was a very agreeable company, and we drank 'Church and King' after dinner, with true Tory cordiality. We talked of a certain clergyman of extraordinary character, who by exerting his talents in writing on temporary topicks, and displaying uncommon intrepidity, had raised himself to affluence. I maintained that we ought not to be indignant at his success; for merit of every sort was entitled to reward.  JOHNSON. 'Sir, I will not allow this man to have merit. No, Sir; what he has is rather the contrary; I will, indeed, allow him courage, and on this account we so far give him credit. We have more respect for a man who robs boldly on the highway, than for a fellow who jumps out of a ditch, and knocks you down behind your back. Courage is a quality so necessary for maintaining virtue, that it is always respected, even when it is associated with vice. {The clergyman in question was the Rev. Henry Bate, who in 1781 was sentenced to a year in prison for, in the words of Horace Walpole, “an atrocious libel on the Duke of Richmond. He was the worst of all the scandalous libellers that had appeared both on private persons as well as public. His life was dissolute, and he had fought more than one duel.” – Editor} I censured the coarse invectives which were become fashionable in the House of Commons, and said that if members of parliament must attack each other personally in the heat of debate, it should be done more genteely.  JOHNSON. 'No, Sir; that would be much worse. Abuse is not so dangerous when there is no vehicle of wit or delicacy, no subtle conveyance. The difference between coarse and refined abuse is as the difference between being bruised by a club, and wounded by a poisoned arrow.'  I have since observed his position elegantly expressed by Dr. Young:—          'As the soft plume gives swiftness to the dart,            Good breeding sends the satire to the heart.' On Saturday, June 12, there drank tea with us at Dr. Adams's, Mr. John Henderson, student of Pembroke-College, celebrated for his wonderful acquirements in Alchymy, Judicial Astrology, and other abstruse and curious learning; and the Reverend Herbert Croft, who, I am afraid, was somewhat mortified by Dr. Johnson's not being highly pleased with some Family Discourses, which he had printed; they were in too familiar a style to be approved of by so manly a mind.  I have no note of this evening's conversation, except a single fragment. When I mentioned Thomas Lord Lyttelton's vision, the prediction of the time of his death, and its exact fulfilment;—  JOHNSON. 'It is the most extraordinary thing that has happened in my day. I heard it with my own ears, from his uncle, Lord Westcote. I am so glad to have every evidence of the spiritual world, that I am willing to believe it.'  DR. ADAMS. 'You have evidence enough; good evidence, which needs not such support.'  JOHNSON. 'I like to have more.' Mr. Henderson, with whom I had sauntered in the venerable walks of Merton-College, and found him a very learned and pious man, supped with us. Dr. Johnson surprised him not a little, by acknowledging with a look of horrour, that he was much oppressed by the fear of death. The amiable Dr. Adams suggested that GOD was infinitely good.  JOHNSON. 'That he is infinitely good, as far as the perfection of his nature will allow, I certainly believe; but it is necessary for good upon the whole, that individuals should be punished. As to an individual, therefore, he is not infinitely good; and as I cannot be sure that I have fulfilled the conditions on which salvation is granted, I am afraid I may be one of those who shall be damned.' (looking dismally.)  DR. ADAMS. 'What do you mean by damned?'  JOHNSON. (passionately and loudly) 'Sent to Hell, Sir, and punished everlastingly.'  DR. ADAMS. 'I don't believe that doctrine.'  JOHNSON. 'Hold, Sir, do you believe that some will be punished at all?'  DR. ADAMS. 'Being excluded from Heaven will be a punishment; yet there may be no great positive suffering.'  JOHNSON. 'Well, Sir; but, if you admit any degree of punishment, there is an end of your argument for infinite goodness simply considered; for, infinite goodness would inflict no punishment whatever. There is not infinite goodness physically considered; morally there is.'  BOSWELL. 'But may not a man attain to such a degree of hope as not to be uneasy from the fear of death?'  JOHNSON. 'A man may have such a degree of hope as to keep him quiet. You see I am not quiet, from the vehemence with which I talk; but I do not despair.'  MRS. ADAMS. 'You seem, Sir, to forget the merits of our Redeemer.'  JOHNSON. 'Madam, I do not forget the merits of my Redeemer; but my Redeemer has said that he will set some on his right hand and some on his left.'  He was in gloomy agitation, and said, 'I'll have no more on't.'  If what has now been stated should be urged by the enemies of Christianity, as if its influence on the mind were not benignant, let it be remembered, that Johnson's temperament was melancholy, of which such direful apprehensions of futurity are often a common effect. We shall presently see that when he approached nearer to his aweful change, his mind became tranquil, and he exhibited as much fortitude as becomes a thinking man in that situation. (This week’s episode of classix comix™ has been brought to you by Bob’s “Original” Bowery Bar, conveniently located at the northwest corner of Bleecker and the Bowery: “Can it really be May already? Well, it must be, because my favorite watering hole Bob’s Bowery Bar is celebrating May Day all week long, featuring proletarian favorites such as ‘Karl Marx Red-Hot Hot Dogs’, ‘Emma Goldman’s brisket à la Russe’, and, my personal fave, the ‘Trotskyburger’: a quarter-pound of organic carpaccio topped with a raw free-range egg and thick slices of hothouse red onion and even more red tomato, served on a crusty peasant roll with our homemade ‘workman’s ketchup’ on the side.” – Horace P. Sternwall, host and narrator of Bob’s Bowery Bar Presents Philip Morris Commander’s “Blanche Weinberg, Lady Psychiatrist”, broadcast live 8pm Sundays {EST} exclusively on the Dumont Television Network. This week’s play: “A Communist on the Couch”, by Hillaire Pound Sterling, starring Kitty Carlisle as “Dr. Blanche”, with guest star Chuck Connors as “Commissar Charlie”.)   part 259